Monday, 24 February 2014

Desolation

It have been months not writing in my blog, nor reading any posts of any of my blogger friends. But regularly keeping a track of my ever dropping page views that keeps reminding me that I have to act, else my blog is going to be a thing of yore.

Everyday I sit on my computer and think that I am definitely going to write something today. The moment I open my page, something stops me. I don't know what. But, today I have decided not to sleep without posting something in my blog.

But, what am I going to write and why will people read what I will write after I suddenly vanished without informing anybody. Than, I thought that I should not hide my feelings and open up. I must share what kept me away from the blogging world for so long. Than again, what will happen to my belief :

"There is no market for emotions. So never advertise your feelings."

But today I went through a quote by one of my cousins, who lot his father recently. He wrote :

"Once you realise you're not the only one going through this, then you will remember to stay strong".

Reading this I felt, yes! what has happened to me is not unusual. Lots of people are there who have gone through this phase and that I should also move on. But again it is very difficult when the sufferer is your own little sister.

My little sister, the youngest among the siblings, married for only six years lost her husband on the 2nd of August 2013. My sister who always wished to lead a happy married life, lost her love of life. She had no big ambitions in life and was very happy in her cozy atmosphere. But as people say that God has his own plans for everybody. He might have planned something else for her. Whatever it may be but He did the most cruelest thing to take away the father of a five year old boy and leave my sister alone.

So many months have passed but still I am not able to accept what has happened. Every now and than remembering her fate and also the very thought of my brother-in-law not being among us makes me hollow from inside. I don't know why it pains so much. Is it because, as one of my friends say that younger siblings are always like kids and we so are hurt more.

May be my friend is right or it might be that my sister is bold enough to move on with her life leaving behind all the odds. She has started teaching in a school, doing house hold chores, take good care of her son by sending him to a good school and all those extra curricular activities like tycondo class, drawing class etc. Mom says that she is damn busy now and also she is managing everything very efficiently. Now, she no more has frequent head aches and she no more looks dull. She looks fresh and full of confidence.

It was I who was holding myself back. I was not able to come out of it. I was not keeping well. Something was eating me from inside. I was not able to talk about it freely to anybody, not even my husband who was well aware of my feelings and who did every possible things to keep me happy. He allowed me to be with my sister during my daughter's vacations even knowing that it was the only chance of us meeting and nursing his ailing mother who also left us on the 5th of November.

Today while I started writing I did not know what I was going to write but than it just went on and believe me while writing I was crying but now as if after sharing everything to you all I feel relieved. I don't know why I did not do it before. May be I am a person who fear showing emotions or maybe I am comfortable silently scribbling my emotions than giving it voice. But at the end I feel relieved!!!

From all this what I have understood or rather learnt is that life does not stop for anybody, it goes on and me too swearing to myself to move on and stay strong, keeping in mind that I am not the only person going through this. 

But moving on surely does not mean forgetting everything. You will always be loved and missed for what you were. Rest In Peace Sanjuda.